


Headcanon ask: Withnail & Fifth Doctor

by LadyPaigeC



Series: Tumblr Headcanon Ask Game [7]
Category: Doctor Who (1963), Withnail & I (1986)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Headcanon, M/M, Tumblr Memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 00:16:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19982920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyPaigeC/pseuds/LadyPaigeC
Summary: My responses to "send me a ship and I'll tell you who..." (Withnail and Fifth Doctor edition)





	Headcanon ask: Withnail & Fifth Doctor

• **who hogs the duvet** \- Withnail. He parties hard and lives life loud, so when he crashes…he crashes and those blankets he has clutched in his fisted hands are not going anywhere but into his embrace.  
• **who texts/rings to check how their day is going** \- Neither Five or Withnail are very good about remembering they own a phone let alone where they last left it. However, when Five stumbles across his that he used to prop open a door three months ago and then promptly forgot about when he left the room, he uses the sonic to charge it and check in with Withnail. (Withnail in his hangover state rips the chord from the wall to make that incessant ringing stop.)  
• **who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts** \- They both seem a bit scatty when it comes to remembering the need to procure a gift and it is default for Withnail to grab an item in his close proximity and hand it over. The Doctor in much the same way, shoves his hands in his pockets and the first thing he come across (unless it is a part he might one day need for TARDIS repair) and presents it as if it were the Crown Jewels. Five’s “gifts” are usually more alien so I am calling him the winner for creativity.  
• **who gets up first in the morning** \- Well the Doctor hardly ever sleeps, so he is often up early. Withnail though is also up early, as he doesn’t go to sleep well into the afternoon. I think I am going to have to say the Doctor is the first up simply for the fact that he only needs a few hours of sleep a week.  
• **who suggests new things in bed** \- Honestly, with the crowd that Withnail hangs with, he often hears about the most scandalous and kinky sex acts. He takes great delight in making Five blush with his discoveries. Not wanting to be left out, Five will sometimes come across positions that are only possible if you have 7 legs or 5 hands or 32 tentacles and excitedly mentions them to Withnail as if it were anatomically possible for the two of them. Withnail simply drinks a little more and gives it the old college try.  
• **who cries at movies** \- Withnail only cries at the movies when he runs out of booze. The Doctor cries at star crossed lover stories.  
• **who gives unprompted massages** \- Uncle Monty when he comes for a visit.  
• **who fusses over the other when they’re sick** \- The Doctor hates seeing Withnail after a morning of hard partying. He makes sure he has something to eat and a nice cup of tea and if he’s really suffering with give him a hangover pill that isn’t available until the 2730’s.  
• **who gets jealous easiest** \- Withnail often mistakes alien social customs for others trying to pull his Time Lord. The number of times they’ve had to make a run for it during a fete being held in their honor…well, it’s a lot. The only time Five was jealous was when he finally met the infamous Marwood. Damn pretty bastard with a voice like velvet. Hmm, velvet.  
• **who has the most embarrassing taste in music** \- Five. He has a collection of music files from the era when people had apparently evolved into clouds of gas. Withnail thought it just sounded like tramps banging rubbish bin covers together.  
• **who collects something unusual** \- You do not want to see what the Doctor keeps in his coat pocket.  
• **who takes the longest to get ready** \- They both wear the same outfit everyday so that is no help. However, Withnail frequently gets lost inside the TARDIS (she doesn’t approve of his drinking sends him wandering until he sobers up) and it takes him longer to get to the control room.  
• **who is the most tidy and organized** \- The Doctor by default because Withnail is a slob. But don’t think that the Doctor himself is either tidy or organized. Really it’s a miracle that either of them manage to get out the door some days.  
• **who gets most excited about the holidays** \- The Doctor when he remembers it is a holiday. Withnail hardly ever knows what day it is.  
• **who is the big spoon/little spoon** \- Withnail often aggressively cuddles the Doctor, but when he’s not feeling well, many mornings he’ll wake up the little spoon. The Doctor always knows.  
• **who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports** \- Withnail: board games; The Doctor: cricket  
• **who starts the most arguments** \- Withnail often drunkenly misunderstands what the Doctor is trying to say and gets angry.  
• **who suggests that they buy a pet** \- The Doctor suggested a cat and Withnail suggested Marwood. No one mentions pets again.  
• **what couple traditions they have** \- Tea and toast in the library every…well not morning, but first thing after Withnail wakes. Then adventures through time and space.  
• **what tv shows they watch together** \- The Doctor is very fond of By the Light of the Astroid; Withnail likes Newsroom. Not to watch, but just to be running in the background.  
• **what other couple they hang out with** \- You will often find Danny and Presuming Ed hanging about.  
• **how they spend time together as a couple** \- They both have very varied interests, but one thing they both love is a boisterous marketplace. You’ll often find them shopping and squabbling over what to buy.  
• **who made the first move** \- The Doctor found Withnail in an alley in London. He was very concerned for the man passed out in the gutter and bend down to check on him. Withnail mistook him for a wealthy mark, planted a kiss on him, and invited himself along for the ride. It turned out well for them both.  
• **who brings flowers home** \- The Doctor brings home celery, does that count?  
• **who is the best cook** \- There was an incident last year with a flask of lighter fluid and a pan of fried eggs. Withnail is no longer allowed in the galley.


End file.
